Interlude: Refusing to Cook (Again)

Hey. It happens. You're at home, with limited groceries, and an autoimmune disorder flaring up. The whole world comes together to support a cause your national government is hellbent on not supporting, and then you're home for more than one reason, because they've imposed a curfew and you hear sirens and helicopters for days on end. Outside, heavily armed people are terrorizing the citizens across America. Inside, your apartment descends into profound disarray as the trauma overwhelms your executive function. You wish your immunocompromised state didn't render you unable to go outside yourself, to face down the rubber bullets and tear gas with the rest of the brave souls. Because you're angry, and somehow, it feels as though risking it all to yell in the street is worth it if it helps change something. And you just...can't.

So you have ramen.

This is Tradition's "imitation chicken flavor" ramen noodle soup. It's not my absolute favorite ramen, but it had the benefit of being available! I find I can perk up the broth in this soup with a little bit of vegan butter, and then it has a richness to it. This is actually one of my favorite things to have when I am feeling really ill. Something about that bowl of hot broth soothes a multitude of ailments.

And then you want to tend to your emotional state, so you have chocolate ice cream and cookies.

This is Trader Joe's frozen chocolate coconut cream dessert with a couple of Lorna Doone shortbread cookies. Lorna Doones are among my absolute favorite mass-produced cookies. If I don't leave my house for another month or two I may end up ordering a case.

But even ramen takes more effort than you can muster at times. Plus it requires a clean pot to boil in and who has that? So you have granola and soy milk for dinner and try not to let despair overtake you.

And despair has its powers, so you take to your bed and barely eat at all for a week. You do not photograph your sad meals of bananas, crackers, peanuts, Oreos, and tea.

It takes days of strategizing, but you manage to make some smoked tofu "crab" salad, and have it with Ritz crackers.

I'm surviving, and there will be far better food posts coming than this. I have had several scheduled for a while, and I'm also feeling a bit better. So it will not all be one big spiral into despair. But I honestly needed to put a pin in this moment. This moment is terrible. I have to acknowledge that, and I have to acknowledge that this moment comes after centuries of terrible moments.

In this moment, please do what you can to lessen its terribleness. I will show you better food in the coming days as a means of lessening my own despair, which does not mean I do not care. Quite the contrary. By showing you better food, I can eat better food. I can find and keep my strength. And I can fight back better.

I'm reminding myself that in spite of the fact that this is the first protesting many people have done, I have actually stood in the streets of several cities yelling "Black Lives Matter" when there wasn't a pandemic and I wasn't flaring, so this is a genuinely legitimate rest, no matter my frustrations with the limitations. Still, there is work to do, from here.

Here's a link to split a donation among more than 70 community bail funds, mutual aid funds, and racial justice organizers nationwide. You can use it to donate to all or split among those you especially want to support. If you'd rather choose just one, or want more options, here is a list of bail funds in the U.S. and Canada. See you tomorrow.